I just have to say these are very funny!!!!

lol Janet

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.


Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit own.


Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.


Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.


Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized


Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.


Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?


Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

nice comebacks... lol me

These were posted by someone on My Space and they are so funny:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Thanks Mandarrenorange. Janet

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three
> >weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How're things, Eve? He
> >asked. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and
> >sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is
> >wonderful but I just
> >have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The
> >middle one pushes the other two out,
>and I am constantly knocking
> >them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on
> >bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve. "That's a fair point,"
> >replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you know. I gave the
> >animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but
> >I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"So, God
> >reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the
> >bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the
> >garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked. "Just
> >fantastic," she replied, "but for
> >one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are
> >paired off. The ewe has her ram, The cow has her bull, all the
> >animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone. "God thought for a
> >moment. "You know, Eve,
>you're right. How could I have overlooked
> >this! You do need a mate and
> >I will immediately create Man from a part of you!" "Now, let's see
> >....... where did I put that useless tit?"

Somewhat sacreligious in nature... however, I had laughed really hard... Forgive me God!
Wouldn't that joke be construed as male- bashing?
Sorry, I had to laugh fellas.
me.

Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that."

"Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.

A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?"

"Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

George Carlin Strikes Again
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

9. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

11. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

12. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

13. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

14. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

15. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

16. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

17. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

18. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

19. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

20. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

21. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

22. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

23. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

24. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

25. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

26. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

27. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Thanks Rain, I love George Carlin I saw him live in Greenboro a few years back. Love, Janet

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A half carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A small head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

That was a mean drunk, but i laughed .... why i don't know ... i guess the punchline was a shocker...
yep, I've known drunks like that and some of them just say what comes to mind...
But it's funny how some people percieve ugly isn't it...
your joke reminded me of something Winston Churchill said, "Yes Madame, I may be drunk, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!"

Anyone ever sing the song "the wheels on the bus go round and round"?

This is a funny twist on things:

http://www.normandcompany.com/FUNNY_FLASH_CARTOONS/Funn...rtoons_Bus_Song.html


Its flash so you if you have dialup be patient.

-BOS

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahuas said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK. Go on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. this is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua? " The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f*king Chihuahua?"

Fast that rocked hard man.... I'm laughing so hard!!!
Rain

OMG BOS that cartoon was ill- I was LOL all through that thing especially the last cel. Thanks.

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

01. Don't change horses...............................until they stop running.
02. Strike while the......................................bug is close.
03. It's always darkest before.......................Daylight Saving Time.
04. Never underestimate the power of ...........termites.
05. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?
06. Don't bite the hand that..........................looks dirty.
07. No news is...........................................impossible.
08. A miss is as good as a......................... Mr.
09. You can't teach an old dog new .............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.............. stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust....................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...................pigs.
13. An idle mind is......................................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's .................pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who..........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is................................. not much.
17. Two's company, three's........................ the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.............. you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ....................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ...........spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed................... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ........see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ................get out of the way!
25. Better late than.....................................pregnant.

I loved it!!!! I can't imagine a six year old saying that last line. And the line about Stevie Wonder was hilarious!
This was worth reading... Kids really are amazing in their thought processes.
I laughed really hard. Much needed.
Thanks
RAIN

One of the funniest "YO Mamma" Jokes Ever Told!!! Sorry but this one is hysterical.

"Yo Mama's armpits are so hairy, she looks like she got Don King in a headlock!"

Hey fast how about on of them koans you do to confuse me, need a laugh about now or something to stop me going insane with boredom. please luv sue xx